Yesterday, we said our final goodbyes to my mother-in-law, Theresa Arthur, the family matriarch. She lived a life of love, strength, and service. She was 87.
When I met her for the first time at the family home in the Bronx, New York, she welcomed me with wide open arms. When I entered her home, she gave me what I later learned to be the Arthur family hug: a warm embrace and a kiss on the cheek. I was still not quite used to the American way of hugging as a greeting at the time. But her hug made me feel right at home.
She had this calming presence that exuded a kind of coolness and strength. She never assumed ill will and always made sure everyone who was in her presence felt welcomed and loved. When you were with her, you felt safe.
If you were a new immigrant from Trinidad in New York City in the 70s and the 80s, chances were you knew about Theresa Arthur. And if you’re lucky, you would have experienced firsthand how extraordinary this woman was.
I’ve heard so many people share stories of how my mother-in-law helped them when they first arrived in New York City. Those first stops at the Arthur residence all turned into lifelong friendships. Mrs. Arthur didn’t just help you when you asked for it. She would check in on you periodically to make sure you’re doing alright.
It wasn’t so much about the material — although that’s certainly part of it — as it was the love and the unrelenting willingness to lend a helping hand to whoever needed it. She might not have a lot, but she always had plenty to give.
She was well known for her little “baggies”. Whether you’re her child, her grandchild, a friend, or someone meeting her for the first time, you don’t leave her house without taking a baggie of candies, sweet breads she made, a bus token, or small toiletries items. Coming from humble beginnings herself, she knew that every little bit helped.
I often felt that my mother-in-law’s exceptional power to empathize with others came from her own sufferings. She had lived with the incurable disease lupus for most of her life. For anyone who doesn’t know, lupus is a chronic autoimmune disease where the body’s immune system attacks its own healthy tissues and organs. Inflammation caused by lupus can affect many different body systems, including joints, skin, kidneys, blood cells, brain, heart, and lungs. Pain was almost constant for my mother-in-law. Yet, she was a fighter. She never let her illness define her.
Although not exactly a career woman, my mother-in-law did not believe in traditional gender roles. She used to tell my husband, “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander”. Before the family moved to the Bronx, they lived in Chinapoo Village in Port of Spain, Trinidad. Coconut trees were abundant in the area. My husband described to me one time how his mom could climb up a tree wearing a skirt to harvest coconuts and then proceed to do other chores, all without missing a beat!
My mother-in-law was also an amazing cook. She was famous for her baked goods and the family favorite was her pelau, a traditional one-pot rice pilaf dish with meat, vegetables, and spices. Back home, resources were limited. So she worked with others in the village and created a “barter economy”. My husband said he used to carry bags of his mom’s baked breads and deliver them to different households. In return, he would collect bags of meat, vegetables, or other supplies from each household. In this creative way of “crowd-sourcing”, everyone got what they needed without additional financial strain.
The strength of my mother-in-law came not in the form of a strong physique, but the impact she had on others. I can see her leadership and sense of service in each and every one of her 7 children – my husband Gary and his siblings, Ann Marie, Renrick, Derrick, Kenrick, Alrick, and Susan. They all manifest some parts of their mom. And I’m beginning to see that being passed on to the next generation of the family.
Her journey in this world might have ended, but her legacy will live on through her 7 children, 15 grandchildren, 7 great grandchildren, 1 great great grandchild, and more as the lineage grows and prospers.
Carmen Suen Writes 